I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
