It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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