You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
