you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
