...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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