a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
