My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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