I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
