I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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