I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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