I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize