Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
