Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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