Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
