Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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