somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
