Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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