Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i now understand why vodka
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
