i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
