I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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