this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You pole danced in your parka.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
