If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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