Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Randomize
