Her vagina should come with caution tape.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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