oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I could fuck to npr.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
