I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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