i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Tell her she can't have a vagina
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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