it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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