in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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