last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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