i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
