Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
