T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
