It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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