And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
