dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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