Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
