I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He felt like a one man threesome
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
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