Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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