We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
