She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize