my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
