I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I need moral support for this bender
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
