i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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