I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize