im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
