Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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