I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
