why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize