Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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