Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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