I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
