Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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