There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
