Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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