found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
