Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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