Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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