So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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